I forget how.

I hate that I can be a jackass sometimes. Well not sometimes, all times. I love people. I really do. It is the people in my life that allow me to see God in all things. A touch, a smile, a joke, some sarcastic jaunt at my good looks. All of the above helps me keep going, to know that I mean something to someone. But how do you keep that love going? Relationships get dirtier and dirtier as time passes. The goodness that once initiated your friendship evaporates.

I do not know how to stay in touch with people. The phone is my greatest adversary. Part of me wishes letters were the only way we could communicate, that way no one would expect that much of me. I love to send letters, when I actually remember to send them, well write them. E-mails always seem to be a satisfactory substitute. I mean, yes, I wrote it when I should have been paying attention in class, or while I was watching the season finale of Project Runway but I was still thinking of you when I wrote it, I promise.

I am not much better when I am around the person either. A conversation that extends further than a few sarcastic jabs, a re-telling of last night's Office episode and a detailed examination of what I ate for dinner and what more I could eat, drains me. I have the attention span of a six month old. My husband has it coming. All I want out of my distant, somewhere in the future marriage is someone to watch Tina Fey with and eat chocolate.

I do not know how to give anything back. And if I do, it is unintentional. I want people to know that I love them. I want them to be able to feel my heart so that they know every time I see them, it grows. But there is no physical way for each of my friends to grab my bleeding, pulsating heart every time they see me. Each person is different, each person wants to be loved differently. Some people want me to hold them, to laugh with them, to punch them, to point fingers with them, to call, to text, to write, to listen, to sing, to dance, to sit, to cry with, to just shut up.

I forget how to love sometimes. I never forget to love but I often forget how.